Are you in a Constructive or Destructive Relationship?

Are you unsure about your relationship? Do you have this feel that your relationship is bad for you? Do people tell you that the relationship isn’t healthy? You could be in a destructive relationship.

Everyone I have met, spoken or listened too has experienced a destructive relationship. I have too. Recently I realised that I was in a destructive relationship with over 10 of my family members. These family members would only complain, speak negatively, made bad comments over goals and spoke ill of me. I spent over 20 years subject to this negative abuse. It felt like death by a thousand cuts until I decided to do something about.

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What does a destructive relationship look like?

Once you read this you’ll immediately relate to a relationship that you have or have had with someone. Here are nine easily identifiable behaviours of the other person which contribute to a destructive relationship:

• They are constantly complaining and bring a “downer” on every situation
• They continue to focus on the negatives in every situation
• They always “one up” you
• They always make conversations about them
• They aren’t committed to growth
• They don’t offer you support
• They speak negatively (gossip) about others more than speaking positively
• They call/ text only to talk about their problems
• They put their ego before you in the relationship

What does a constructive relationship look like?

If you have experience the below you will understand how amazing that relationship is. If you haven’t, then even experiencing one or two of these will drastically improve your relationship:

• They listen to you
• They are open and honest with you
• They are there to support you
• They focus on finding positives
• They speak positively
• They actively participate in your relationship
• They do what they say they will do
• The relationship feels positive, open and natural

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Continuing on from my story, I decided to do something about the destructive relationships I was sharing with my family. I looked at the situation and explored options. I read some books, watched some videos and came to the solution that I could either:

1. Limit the time I spend with them
2. Delete them from my life

I decided on the latter.

Ideally, I thought that if someone really is destructive for me then cutting them out of my life life is the best option, so that’s what I did. However, this may not be applicable to you. If it is, then try it. For example, you mother or best friend may be destructive and you cannot just cut them out of your life. The option then is to limit the time you spend with them.

Rather than speaking to them every day, speak to them once a week, then once a month. Rather than speaking to them once a month, speak to them once every two months. Rather than speding hours talking to them, spend five to ten minutes talking to them. This will be hard at first, but trust me, the results will be amazing. Here are six benefits that you’ll see immediately:

1. You’ll have more time
2. You’ll feel happier
3. You’ll stress less
4. You’ll have more energy
5. You’ll have less contempt
6. You’ll feel less pain

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How to reference this page

Toor, J. (2020). Are you in a constructive or destructive relationship? Available at: https://pmgrowth.co/are-you-in-a-constructive-or-destructive-relationship?